Someone said Troll....so here i am, and they didn’t even have to say it thrice.
Just say it once in any forum a newbie is spouting off in and my little ears prick up, i get a semi and i turn NoScript off and join in where I’m needed
Since i have been summoned forth by a comment such as this:
Well I received news that the troll patrol is inbound.
I am therefore compelled to appear and put in my 5 cents worth, though as usual i only have a $50 note on me....
The troll apologises, he was far from your lands on other tasks for a great bulk of the day in the Real World and has only just now managed to make his way back into the tower of solitude and make use once more of its magical interweb interface.
When i set about answering a post, i immediately scan for certain keywords and phrases, among them are
I have X years of experience...
I work at geeks r us...
I work at geek squad...
I’m part of a development team...
I’m interning at...
And then i set about rendering an appropriate response, guaranteed to address the central issue raised by such statements: overconfidence and sometimes complete lack of understanding shown by the postee regarding the uses and purpose of whatever projects thread/forum they’re posting in.
Before prostituting my knowledge in forums i ask the postee to consider the following steps to understanding ones self and their predicament:
Recognising the issue didn’t cause itself
Accepting your stupidity caused it
Noting your own limitations, but blundering on anyways
Keeping on with fruitless tinkering in the hope *something* will magically resolve the issue
At last, in utter desperation, posting a message on an internet forum asking for some kind soul to help you resolve the issue
Making the mistake of posting on a forum frequented by Gollum/Frodo, a known troll
Again realising you’ve made a major error
Totally disregarding advice given by Gollum/Frodo or any forum member because you think you know better
Exaggerating your own technical skills in a fit of self importance
Using the words "I’ve already tried that" when all symptoms/evidence cause and effect completely contradicts your words
Returning weeks later, moments before we delete your profile because we've all agreed "well, I’m going to miss him , but he wont be back", and telling us you FINALLY took our advice and your PC is now working
But i digress.....
We're here to address some misunderstandings and criticisms raised by a newbie, FalconFour, and i am the very man to handle this with respect, dignity and decorum....
I think I’ve already covered that my interest is peaked by keywords, in this case intern.
So here we go....
Ridiculous Statement #1:
One thing's been having me bash my head against a wall, though. The driver packs for graphics are split up by some ridiculous criteria with no real-world purpose.
Respectful Answer:
Keep banging your head on the wall halfwit, all the answers to the universe are to be found once you have severed your frontal lobe with vigorous impacts against immovable objects. Its an arrogant person who, being a newbie, openly questions a projects methods BEFORE reading documentation. Especially when its plainly available on even the intro page before you go to download them. It would be obvious to anyone with half a grey cell the reasoning why. But even if it wasn’t, wouldn’t it be far more polite to ask why they were split, rather than making out like this decision had caused you immeasurable grief leading to hair loss and a limp ding dong.
The project has been around for many years, and i'll wager you'll change your philosophy before the project changes its.
Ridiculous Statement #2:
We've got nVidia and ATI (the two "dedicated GPU" manufacturers) grouped into "A" along with a bunch of unnecessary control panel installation trash on the ATI side (that, in fact, causes the driver pack to not slipstream properly - it "crashes out" silently after integrating A1 acting like it completed - that's the bug referenced in the title)
Respectful Answer:
Thanks for the clear and well documented bug report (okay later on you almost got it right and you almost got a smiley stamp, but then you reverted to abuse). What frickin bug report. Um hello I’m just posting to say i found a bug at X point in the process. The free silly T-Shirt for your effort is in the mail, along with a Scuba Diving for Dummies book - First Lesson: Get a bucket, dip head in 10 times, but come up 9 times only for a pass mark.
Ridiculous Statement #3:
Then we've got VIA and SiS drivers, this time with a bunch of outdated manufacturers nobody cares about.
Respectful Answer:
People actually still use these old cards. Perhaps in your universe, im going out on a limb here, where you probably have an SLI setup and spend all your time going on super gay quests with your friends in Buttmuncher - World Of Asscraft, this outdated stuff seems useless. But spend a second thinking about places like where i have volunteered, at the Salvation Army etc where old PC's get reconditioned and donated both locally and overseas. To people doing this, having these drivers in a driverpack make life easier when you’re doing a room full of dissimilar systems.
Ridiculous Statement #4:
nVidia, ATI, Intel, VIA, and SiS are the five manufacturers that produce the graphics chips on about 95-98% of the computers in the shop - including laptops
Respectful Answer:
The first statement you’ve made that is sane and true, although i had to prune it from the paragraph to separate it from the nonsense that follows. And because of the nonsense that follows, I’m leaving this heading set to Ridiculous Statement #4.
Ridiculous Statement #5:
So far I've had to waste hours of time and tons of bandwidth downloading - then repackaging and recompressing and bug-testing - those driver packs, trying to get all 3 installed with just the components that are actually relevant to me. How come the "Big 5" aren't packaged into "A" or maybe just A and B? Doesn't it seem a little excessive that I'd have to download all 3 to get the drivers I need?
Respectful Answer:
Unless the resident secret forum ninja actually tracked you down at your home or office, then held your genitals in the infamous "squirrel grip" and said he'd only let go when you'd visited driverpacks.net and the words download completed on each of the driverpacks, i fail to see the possibility that anyone forced you to do anything against your will. I’m not aware of a resident forum ninja, though there’s probably a molester uncle on here given accepted odds of such things in a large collective of people. For the record I’m into cheese and livestock myself, I don’t do humans.
But i digress....
Hours you say? are you using a Wargames era acoustic coupler modem? If so, i can understand the frustration, i used to own one and can remember the length of time it took to download Samantha Fox Strip Poker from a BBS in the 80's, only to be shattered when i ran it and Sam's bits were so pixelated i couldnt get the teeniest amount of masturbation fuel from the experience. But i didn’t log back onto the BBS and have a whinge. I got on with life, went to the local newsagent, got a magazine with Sam in it, locked myself in my room with a bottle of vitamin e cream and abused my body in ways that the catholic church still hasn’t got words to condemn me with.
Which brings me to the point again, in case you still haven’t read it, for why they’re split. For people who don’t want to download 1 big file, who have slow connections and only need partial support given in that driverpack. Do you seriously believe that just because you find it inconvenient to have 3 separate packs that suddenly a call will go out to the oompa loompas at driverpacks.net to get cracking on integrating 3 into 1 because you’re a bit miffed?
No, you’re right, you are the arbiter of change, you ride a pale horse...we've been going about this the wrong way.
Choice is bad, we get it now. How could we have gotten this so badly wrong.
Hmm excessive to have to download all 3. You’re right, if they’re integrated into one, it will shrink magically.
I like where you’re going with this, no, i really do
Let me know your bank account number or your ISP account, ill get straight onto a refund for all the pain you’ve been put through.
Ridiculous Statement #6:
Your hard work has thus far wasted my time and hasn't saved me any money... as I haven't made a cent off my intern job and I haven't yet even been able to get the "hard work" to even "work" yet. It's just been a headache for the past several hours trying to piece apart the tangled and broken mess trying to make it into a coherent mass that I can get DriverPack Base to accept, then PEBuilder to build, within 700mb, along side a couple hundred megs of other combined BootCD's in one ISO.
Respectful Answer:
The refund is on the way, i swear, i personally actioned the letter to your ISP stating that they should "immediately disconnect this arseclown as he only uses the internet for demonstrating his stupidity and ignorance, oh and a love of midget scat-centric websites"
Have a panadol on me, and know ive just shed a tear for you
Ridiculous Statement #7:
Why in god's name do they even need to be updated...? All I care about is that 95% of the computers on the workbench actually come up with a optimized video driver. If the video card just came out in the past 3 or 4 months, I kinda expect it to not work properly in a CD I burned 6 months ago anyway...
Respectful Answer:
You’re right , we haven’t learned anything since your first post, this is supposed to be all about you, damn the 100,000 or so other users. We're sorry to report that you caught us at a bad time, we're all in a meeting right now and cant immediately restructure the entire project to fit your needs. We can offer you a complimentary f*ck Off while you wait though.
Ridiculous Statement #8:
You didn't "explicitly shove it under [my] nose",
Respectful Answer:
I was trying not to make you feel submissive, i figured you'd just lean forward and open your mouth
Ridiculous Statement #9:
I downloaded UBCD4Win
Respectful Answer:
f*ck no. Well, i guess you’re going to make an arse of yourself over there at some point too.
UBCD4WIN guys: Let's start a pool on how long it takes him to display his unique brand of project aims and understanding over there....
Summary:
You started out as an arrogant "male bird", spouting wild theories on how we were doing it WRONG, failing to bend the projects aims to serve you solely. Then there was a brief period where you seemed to soften as you were given some useful advice, though from my keyboard such help would not have been found. For the briefest of moments i pictured you as a young man, on a quest to discover the secrets of integration and tales of PE boot disks and other such magics, a young man trying to prove himself, removed cruelly (and some might say a tad early) from suckling at your mothers teat. A cocksure young man, railing against authority, adamant you knew a better way. We tried to tell you you are on a path to bitter heartbreak and desolation and forum ridicule. Still you started to stray again in to Fucknut country.
There was just the very hint of possible redemption about halfway through the thread, but it is often said one cannot hide ones true character forever, and so it was to be
Overflow tried to put you back on the one true path to salvation where you could be embraced by all other members of the forum and merriment could be had, along with much mead.
In the end, you’re just a very silly boy, especially taking on one of the head man like that, all out in the open and sh*t.
He has big balls, i haven’t actually seen them, but I’ve seen the shadows.
We're all now listening intently, waiting for the sound of yours dropping... and for you to get a bit of perspective on your fricking place in the grand scheme of the forum.
Troll out.
